


How Could I Ever Know?

by the_wistful_reader



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, kind of supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 03:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11199081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_wistful_reader/pseuds/the_wistful_reader
Summary: Losing Petra and his Squad deeply affected the infamous Captain, but how does he cope when he starts seeing her again?





	How Could I Ever Know?

The low hum and hiss of crackling firewood fractured the prevailing silence, bathing the room in a subtle crimson glow. The stillness of the shadows would make one think the room was empty, home only to the slowly flickering fire but every now and again the shadows danced around the movement of the sole inhabitant. There wasn’t much movement, just the simple scratch of a pen across paper, or the exchange of one paper for another once one had been completed. That was all. Nothing like the life that was present in the room just weeks earlier.

Ever since that fateful mission… The one that he couldn’t forget… The one that was imprinted in his mind. This was how Levi spent his evenings. Accompanied only by the crackle of the dwindling fire. Monotonously finishing his paperwork first by the glow of the fire, before being hit with the rays of a rising sun. He was used to little sleep, but now he couldn’t bare to close his eyes. No. Those images… Instead he worked himself to exhaustion, and let sleep devour him for a few hours at most. That way it was only darkness. 

Sighing, Levi glanced at the last page of paperwork and signed where he needed to before setting it down on the pile to hand to Erwin later that morning. Dark eyes flickered around the room glancing for any sign of life but of course he was alone. Why would anyone else be there with him... The only one who ever kept him company was gone... Cursing silently to himself, his gaze shifted, looking down into his desk; the Captain's hand reached into the first draw and pulled out the small velvet box, letting his hands simply clutch the object as though his life depended on it. In some ways, it did. The life that could have been; the life that never was could be found hidden in that box and though he knew he should move it somewhere else, somewhere where it couldn't haunt him so, Levi couldn't bring himself to do it. A reminder, he justified to himself. A memory he couldn’t let go of.

_Oh Levi..._

Steely grey eyes narrowed and glanced around the room looking for the source of the noise, but nothing was there nor was a window open to have simply been the breeze. Tch. I must be getting less sleep than I thought, Levi pondered. Content with that explanation, the Captain closed his eyes with the intention of spending the few hours before dawn sleeping so as not to injure himself any further in the field.

_You can't keep doing this to yourself..._

Eyes shot open... Surely it couldn't be...

“Petra,” the look in his eyes was hopeful while his voice betrayed his nerves. “Is that you?”

A fond smile ghosted her lips at his words as he walked past her. And then. Just like that. He turned, gazed fixed exactly where she was observing him. It was almost like he could see her, she thought to herself. Her eyebrows furrowed as she heard a small chuckle escape her partner's lips, trying to place exactly why he was laughing. Confusion was quickly replaced with joy at hearing that sound again, one that she knew she was one of the few to hear.

“I should have really listened to Hanji, I’m clearly in no state to continue working as I am. If I was, why would I be hearing your voice again?”

There was something cynical to be found in his tone, questioning not only what he heard but also whether there was a slim chance it was real. But by God he didn’t want to rest his hopes on the latter. No. He couldn’t let himself do that. Grey eyes flickered around the room, seeking a response to his statement. But he saw nothing. A small sigh left his lips and would have almost been unheard to any, well any who didn’t know the Captain well. Masking his emotions once more despite being the only occupant in the room, he made to move over to his bed to finally catch up on some sleep when he saw it again. And this time he couldn’t deny what he saw. There was only one explanation for the flash of auburn through the room. But surely…

Levi turned back to the centre of the room where he saw the flash, and lo and behold there she was, almost as if nothing had changed and it was simply another evening where she had come to visit him, to spend the limited time they had together, where they could forget about the rest of the world and just exist together. The confusion must have shown in his face as he glanced over her features and saw the corners of her mouth lift into a sympathetic smile. How could she be here? He’d seen her body, the blood, there was no way anyone could have survived, especially unnoticed by him, after all, he was the one who had gone to see her, knelt by her and took the only memento he could - her survey corps patch.

“How can you be here?” His coarse voice broke the prevailing silence as his gazed fixed on her, unable to look away in case she vanished again.

“I could never leave you Levi." To most that would have almost sounded comforting but with the state Levi was in, it brought more sadness than joy.

She made to reach a hand out to him, raising it little further than her waist before he flinched away, taking a step back from her. It was clear that he didn't trust what he was seeing, but who could not forgive him for that. To him, it was just a repeat of what had happened before, after the first time he lost those closest to him.

His eyes narrowed as he regarded the woman before him. Her response made it seem as though she was there again in his office, but he knew that could not be the case. Looking up and down at the sight before him, ideas flew through his mind as the Captain tried to process exactly how he was seeing Petra again, but they kept circling back to one thought. He was just dreaming. 

His subordinate simply watched her superior, knowing exactly what he was trying to do, simply letting him try to figure out everything.

“You’re still hurting, so much.” The words broke the silence that had descended on the office. “I’ll always be here, you know that Levi. God knows I that wish I could be there physically with you. We let you down and now you’re more alone in the world again.”

Her words drew Levi out of his defiance of believing she wasn't real and that it was all a dream. Grey eyes met hazel and immediately his expression softened as he saw the tears well in her eyes.

"You know," voice low as he took a step towards her, "you never failed me. Any of you. Never think that." There was a harshness to his tone as he spoke to Petra, but she could see through the anger. He wasn't angry at them, he was angry at himself.

"It was my fault you died, you shouldn't be here for me. I'm just the piece of shit that couldn't keep his squad alive let alone you."

Trying again, Petra raised her hand and this time she was not met with hesitance from Levi who allowed her to take his hand and pull him to her. Gently her forehead rested against his, both closing their eyes and appreciating the sentiment while it lasted.

“You know that isn’t true. Please forgive yourself, I can’t stand to see you tear yourself apart.” Levi began to speak but Petra continued, cutting him off. “Levi, please.”

Hesitantly the Captain opened his eyes and met Petra’s, immediately noting the tears welling in her eyes. His finger lightly glanced over her cheek to remove the tears and let his hand settle on her cheek. A simple nod of his head alerted Petra to the fact that he accepted her words and would try to forget his part in her and the rest of the squad’s death. Thoughts wandered to how long he would have with Petra, and coming to the conclusion that it would not be long, he realised there were words he needed to tell her before she left him again.

“Petra, I just wanted you to know…”

A sharp rap at the door broke Levi from his trance, and so when the door opened both he and Eren were just as confused as each other: Levi, standing in the middle of his office, hand raised as though he were cupping someone’s face. But there was no one there except for the Captain and now Eren. Upon seeing the confusion on Eren’s face, the Captain turned to where Petra had been firmly within his embrace, but noticed there was nothing there. Closing his eyes for but a moment, and something Eren questioned whether he saw, Levi’s carefully crafted mask slipped for but a moment, as a look of utter sorrow flashed across his face before being replaced with sheer outrage towards the teen. Deep down he knew it wasn’t Eren’s fault, but that didn’t change how the older man treated him.

“Get out.”

If Eren hadn’t detected the anger in his superiors’ face he could certainly hear it in his voice and it was a tone he had neither heard before nor wanted to again. To say it was murderous was a mere understatement for how the Captain looked and spoke to the boy and while most would have spoke against him Eren knew better. Though most outsiders would see his actions as unjust and harsh, yet again the titan shifter excused them and held nothing against the raven haired man. He had witnessed something that was rare - Levi showing his vulnerability, and for that the emerald eyed teen was almost sorry to have witnessed it. He himself had been through hardship, there was no denying that, but with Levi having witnessed the death of his squad and losing his love Eren could only feel sympathy for the older man as he gave him a sheepish look, letting his eyes close for a second longer than normal to convey his sorrow, before quickly exiting the room and closing the door as silently as he could behind him.

Listening to the footsteps slowly grow softer as the teen went back to the sleeping quarters, Levi remained scowling at the door until the sound of footsteps could be heard no longer. Once he was satisfied that he would not be disturbed again that night, the Captain sat on his bed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and fore finger.

"God Petra... Why?" There was no trace of annoyance left in his voice now as he muttered to himself, or maybe to Petra, he didn't know anymore.

Levi let his thoughts run through the events of the evening for one last time, sighing softly to himself as he remembered all the tiny details about her that he knew he would forget over time. The way her fingers had a habit of curling in his hair and brushing his undercut; the gleam of orange as the sunlight reflected off her hair; the softness in her eyes whenever she glanced at him. Then, just like that, almost as though someone had flicked a switch within him, he cast those memories aside and swung his legs onto the bed and laid down, making a silent promise to himself that though he could never forget her, thoughts of her had to cease. At least until he could bare it.

 

Years later...

 

It came as no surprise to Levi that he didn’t outlive the titans, he’d always seen himself as living on borrowed time ever since he set foot above ground - or perhaps even before then, ever since he’d been brought into this wretched world. Slumping against a wall grey eyes cast down and saw the wound, a sigh leaving his smirking lips. Well at least I get a hero’s death, he contemplated, eyes closing momentarily. Tch, damn Ackerman brat losing her concentration. Air hissed through gritted teeth as the hand of the one he’d saved came to press down on the wound to stay the bleeding, but both knew it was too late for that. Half-lidded eyes glanced up at the fellow raven haired girl and with a soft shake of his head her hand left the wound and let it fall in her lap as she knelt by the dying Captain.

_Levi…_

An almost peaceful expression emerged on humanity’s strongest warrior’s face as his eyes closed for the last time, a sight that Mikasa was witnessing for the first and last time. Slowly other soldiers gathered around the Captain all visibly showing their sorrow and shock at his passing, most seeing him as someone who would definitely outlive this cruel world. Alas, the world took with it another victim - though this one was not as reserved against heading towards oblivion as most. No. For those that knew the Captain best, and that was limited to say the least for those still amongst the living, as they gazed over his features they were drawn to the slight upturn at the edge of his mouth. Those gathered around him had never seen him smile, though thoughts travelled to the one who most definitely would have seen that side of Levi. Each glanced at each other, smiles shining through the tears, each thinking the same thought. Now he could rest and finally be happy.

 

******

 

Levi’s eyes scrunched further closed before he hesitantly opened them, squinting at the sight before him. He quickly rubbed his eyes with his hands before standing up, taking a moment to steady himself.

“Hello again Captain, it’s been a while hasn’t it?”

All tension and confusion left the Captain upon hearing that soft voice, the one that he had sorely missed.

“Tch, to think you waited for me.”

“Well,” her eyes sparkled as she gazed at the raven haired man, “I’ve had two others keeping me and the rest of the Squad company while we waited so we didn’t mind too much. Although I’m sure you told me those stories differently, _big bro_.” A teasing lint emerged in her voice as he closed the gap between them, hands wrapped her waist bringing her tight against him, as though they’d never been apart.

“Damn Isabel…” Levi muttered, letting out a small hum of approval as the smaller women’s arms wrapped around his neck and tangled in his hair.

"Don't be too mad." The woman muttered fondly, nuzzling her head into the crook of his shoulder. By God had she missed this. Missed him. But it was all worth it now. She wished he could have lived longer in some ways, knowing that even if he didn't care to think of it himself he would be missed by their fellow comrades but the selfish side of her couldn't express how happy she was that he was finally here.

The soft caress of fingers gently cupping her cheek and under her chin drew Petra out of her thoughts and brought her gaze up to the raven haired Captain. Looking over his features she couldn't help but smile at the small scowl that had appeared on his face as he gazed down at her.

"Tch, of course I'll be mad."

The younger hummed her agreement and let her eyes flutter partially closed as Levi moved the hand that had been securely around her waist to the back of her head. "Now enough talk of that for a moment."

Hesitantly, almost similar to their first kiss, Levi closed the gap and softly moved his lips against hers, letting a small smile grace his features as he heard her sigh with contentment. Almost too soon he broke away from her but made sure to rest his forehead against hers, knowing he couldn't be without her.

"I love you." Levi's voice was quiet, despite it only being the two of them, preserving the intimacy between them.

These were words that had not been spoken enough during their limited time on Earth but the sentiment had always been known. Normally Petra would have teased him for saying it but there was something different about the way they were spoken this time. She’d waited so long to hear them again, she knew she couldn’t ruin the moment.

“I love you too Levi.” Their eyes met again and they kissed briefly before remaining in each other’s embrace, just existing in the presence of each other.

After what felt like forever and not enough time simultaneously, Petra broke away slightly, running a hand through Levi’s hair.

“Let’s go see the others.”

Hands locked tightly together, the two former members of the Survey Corps left to find their former comrades, at last finding peace together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> The fic was partly inspired by the song 'How Could I Ever Know?' from The Secret Garden.
> 
> Feel free to check out my other fics or my tumblr (https://the-wistful-reader.tumblr.com/) where I will be posting more fics soon
> 
> Thanks again :)


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